literature

Lost Above The Stars.

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PassionateMasochist's avatar
Published:
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Literature Text

Shining through the forsaken light
I struggle to find what is mine,
Something I lost so long before
Above the sky near the broken door.
I'm walking through the skies so high,
I fear that I will fade in time.

The world dies before my crimson eyes
As I try so hard to gain my sight,
I feel its time to say goodbye
Looking up at the forsaken skies.
I squint my eyes 'cause it's so bright,
I look away with a grieving sigh.

I look at you
Now you look at me,
The plethora of clouds are meant to be.
The stars are here
They will shine on me,
I'll be in heaven
While you search for me.
What can I say? XDDD
© 2012 - 2024 PassionateMasochist
Comments22
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crystelclear1104's avatar
:star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

Vision:
The narrator seems to be on the edge of hopelessness, but is still trying hard to achieve whatever it is that he/she has lost.

Originality:
Originality is what drew me into this poem in the first place. I've never seen the phrase forsaken light before. It's interesting.

Technique:
I like the length of the stanzas. However, what did bother me is that you spelled 'while' wrong in the last line. Unless you did that on purpose - but I'm a Grammar Nazi, and that just ruined the flow of the poem for me.

Impact:
The first three lines immediately drew me in, which is wonderful. It's a little harder to grab someone's attention through poetry than prose, and you have succeeded in that.

Other Notes:
I really, really loved this poem <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt=":D" title=":D (Big Grin)"/>